Saturday Night Lights.

              I should thank you, because of you i'm writing again. That in and of itself is a great accomplishment, a welcome addition that you've added to my life. Red Hot Chili Peppers Greatest hits album is currently looping and I've got a soul to squeeze. I think love and hate are seriously divided by a sharp line, a line unfortunately that runs parallel. Universally speaking I love you, I love everything about you. I also hate you, hate the way you don't want to be with me. Hate the way that you rationalize being by yourself, alone, miserable with your scar tissues and  somehow that's better than fighting the good fight with me.  I wish I could take the higher ground and get over you, my friends all advise me that I should give it away, my love for you. but I can't, every couple of months I come crawling back because I feel my fortunes faded. Soon though I will find the courage to never return, and I honestly long for the day to be on that Otherside. By the way, I see your post about how you can't find a man and wish you were in a relationship and they strike like daggers, daggers that I cant help but stab myself with periodically; Masochistic. I have a problem I always try to save the population, but I cant even save myself. 

Alright I'm done with whatever that was. I have terrible relationships with several important people in my life. I want people to be better than they are and it fails every time. that's not okay with me. I've made a lot of mistakes and I pay for them or repay the universe in some ridiculous attempt at justice. I've been drinking way too much and I might have a problem, I think I need to go to a meeting. On another note I currently have 103 College Credits and I'm 17 away from being a college graduate. Only took me six years. Law School is next, lets see if we can get that done in three. Under the Bridge is my favorite song from Red Hot Chili Peppers, and its the first song on the album, I think they knew what they were doing. 

On that note I'll leave you with a quote from Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī  known to us Westerners as Rumi-- 

                 “The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing
            blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.” 

Honesty..

                    For a very long time I have hidden who I am from the public's peering gaze. I have purported  to be something that I am not. I am a liar. I am not a malicious liar if that is any consolation. I lie in an effort that I believe to be genuine so that I can placate others. Because so very few of our interactions are genuine and  sincere, and because of my many interactions, I find myself constantly being disingenuous and insincere. The constraints of polite society are vast and powerful. I have to be respectful of others opinions, I have to be careful to use the right gender pronouns..... do you have a partner? The world of academia has inspired me to write again, and I thank it for that. I haven't written in eleven months and what a roller-coaster have those months been. I've fallen in and out of love, I've greatly increased my life outlooks by joining this honors program in my junior year of college. These are the things that I've done, but they don't tell you about how I felt during this time. we all hurt, I am inclined to think that I hurt in more profound ways than other. although, I know this not to be based in logic I still hold it to be true. I've lost touch with the person that I was two years ago, its interesting this adventure that I am on, I am a passenger and driver at the same time. I am able to experience things and be the driver for those experiences but simultaneously extrapolate and reflect on those experiences in the passenger side. I constantly find myself writing in abstracts because I like to think that I am an Artist and I am creating a work of art when I write, and I leave that work open to interpretation. Yes, as younger man I hate contemporary art and by extension abstract art due to a reverence that younger generations pay to non-contemporary artist but I am doing the thing that I hate and being abstract. I am going to end this here, I have an almost two hour commute home and there is a solitude during that commute that I serenely appreciate. 

I will dedicate a future post to divulging that lost love, and figuring it all out.

Dry cry, even tear.

    I have tried to remain impartial during the Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman Trial, but I have failed and can no longer remain apathetic. All of this emotion is welling up inside of me and is looking for an orifice to explode out of. I chose you, the words that give my life meaning as a medium to deliver some of my grief and anger. We live on different parallels and very likely a different multiverse. I theoretically understand the application and practicality of the rule of law. The importance that the  rule of order delivers as well as benefits of behavior modification that law provides to the masses. But I want to throw all of that learned reasoning out of the window in this case simply because I look like Trayvon. I want to abandon all levels of logic and reason for emotion, which goes most aversely against everything I stand for. I am a young black man, and I have gone during half time of a football or a basketball game to get some beers at a local deli;  I could have been Trayvon. That fact, mixed with a lifetime of being told I am innately inferior  by indirect measures of economic selection has sent me over the edge. The realization that I have taken my whole life for granted, that blind luck has simply saved me from being shot through the heart for being born the way I am has finally demolished my resolve.
    I have read Roxannes Article about what is really on trial and Its not just the "stand your ground" laws but the grandiose notion of the validity of the contemporary black man, that is what is on trial. I am being weighed and measured in that jury room, the acceptance of irrational fear and stereotypes is on trial. Is the human justified in believing the narrative that has been presented to him with or without cognizant acceptance. Are we responsible for our conditioning? This is a troubling time for me, a lot of self image idea's are being confronted and barriers I have constructed to protect me from notions of racism I was not ready to admit have been sieged. Yes I am extrapolating a wide range from small parameters, but its past time that we confronted these issues.
  I am not a juror, I study the law and its practicality and also its shortcomings I have seen when it has failed humanity, and when it has triumphed in the service of some greater good. I am grateful that I do not have to be one of those six jurors with the full weight of a nation on their shoulders. I am torn between the concept of jurisprudence and being a dutiful citizen and looking down at my fingers while typing these words  and seeing brown hands, hands that have been placed outside windows when pulled over by police officers just to exemplify cooperation and ensure survival. I walk a tight rope of understanding and aggression   This mockery of justice has tilted the
bar in favor of ignorance. Violence Begets Violence, I believe that but one has to ask when is enough, enough?

A second article worth reading. Op-ed NYT

Find yourself.

         I just asked Ten different people on facebook, both men and women to tell me a secret. All within my age range; early twenties, mothers, students, lovers, military personal, shallow lovers of the fading celebrity that we place too much import on. Yes I am biased, these are my thoughts and if you came here for impartial critics on the world: welcome to humanity.  I was disappointed these people know me they know what I stand for they know who I am or what I portray and simply enough im the type of friend who ask you at 11:20 to tell them a secret, so needless to say they were not surprised. "She lies, He lies, but numbers do not". Out of the ten people I asked seven people questioned my motives, wanted to know why? Were guarded, held tightly onto secrets as if somehow the fact that no one knew them protected them from the affliction of suffering.  I simply replied "never-mind" to the inquisitive minds, didn't need secrets born out of resentment. I needed to know I was not the only one suffering, harboring ill will to my place amongst the cosmos. If you are one of the people reading this now that decided to question my motives, let this be a lesson to you. Take a leap of faith sometimes, it's okay to not know whats going on and still go with it, I offered you an opportunity to share something with me to connect, no judgements no false equivocations just a friendly ear to whisper truths into.
        I miss being in love. its been several years now since I have loved someone that was not compulsory (think family member) and I think I know what its like to be in love but the memory is fading. Like when you were little and you remember doing something but its hazy, certain aspects you just are not sure about. Thats the current relationship I have with being in love. I think I remember what it feels like to love someone else but im just not sure. This stage of life is teetering on. Sometimes I dip into adolescences and find myself in questionable situations. Other times I find myself lecturing someone about how to act on the first couple days of a new job. It's like life happens and you blink and your twenty five, still grasping at straws. A friend of mine after revealing to me his secret told me he figured I was doing it for school or something and told me good luck on my spiritual pilgrimage after I told him it was just for me. How right he was, I am a pilgram. 


P.S. Listening to Go Ahead by Rilo Kiley.  "If you want to hold your own hand going up that cliff or you want to hold back because you aren't up to it; go ahead."

MURICA

     It's Memorial Day in America, and I did what we do so well; fry meat outside surrounded by loved ones and engaged in pleasantries. I was apart of what politicians like to call "Main Street" or the preverbal heartland of our country, where simple folk live and life isn't too complicated (Think the Andy Griffith show). It was in Fairfield, Connecticut and I shit you not, their is a street called "Main Street" and a parade happened their earlier today.  I hail from what America likes to refer as Wall Street where we over indulged Liberal hippies are destroying American values I feel like I can attribute that to Sarah Palin, without actually having to check if she said that (I feel like I should throw in a GETTERDONE for good measure). Women generally have low standards, alcohol consumption is high, crime is high, schools are lacking and police brutality runs rampant (see: stop and frisk). So why do I stay you ask? Why not move to Main street where my son and his best friend can go fishing in the local pond, while simultaneously inflicting shenanigans on the harmless town residents? Main street lacks what Wall Street has, and thats the ability to create whole persons.
                    I will get a lot of what CIA agents like to call "blowback" for my above comments, but I believe it and can argue it fairly strongly. I was tasked with the all important mission of purchasing a recently depleted condiment; Ketchup! While on my journey to the local stop and shop I was starkly reminded of my blackness. Yup, I went there, I realized my difference and how I stuck out like a sore thumb. Literally every other shopper in the store was white, except the people working the cash register and pushing carts around outside, there at least some minorities could be found. I strolled around the isles in a wanton fashion just surveying the local populace and my initial thought, as it usually does, proved correct. Their weren't any black shoppers and to all my friends with B.S's instead of B.A's I do realize this was an isolated incident and doesn't constitue an actual study. It was revealing nonetheless and made me uncomfortable, in Wall Street I rarely am surrounded by so much homogeny and their is always such a diverse cast of characters It's not a pretense that comes to mind. I feel that I have to disclaim that I was not treated in any unusual fashion or made to feel uncomfortable by anyone in particular, quite the opposite actually, while picking out the ketchup in the isle a lady asked me if I have ever had "spiced" mustard and if I like it.
                   simply stated homogeny isn't ideal to making a whole person. I was gonna say it in some fancy shmansy verbiage something like "isn't conducive to fostering empathetic growth" but I recently came across a Yeat's quote (and yes I created an instance for me to share the quote with you) "Think like a wise man, but communicate in the language of the people" and i'll go with the "whole person". Wall Street forces me to understand different cultures and perspectives on the world, which in turn forces me to think about the world differently and it seeps into everything I do. You can extrapolate everything else from that such as Main Street's lack of diversity is creating a generation of automatons lacking in all cultural nuances that they will later seek on parent funded visits to Europe (yes I'm salty my parents couldn't afford to send me summering in Europe) while Wall Street has those nuances built in. But alas As I am constantly reminded I'm young and Idealistic maybe when I get some money and age I will move to the Main Street too, I would like to think I wouldn't though. In the meantime currently reading nonsense science fiction, listening to "nuthing but a G thing baby" and saw the Star Wars into Darkness which I would recommend. I, too, am America.

Sancho Panza

Hello,
              Usually this is naturally easy for me, the words casually write themselves. It would seem I am having some difficulty getting started (insert male enhancement pill advertisement here). Recently I walked along an old path that I used to walk everyday in junior high school and I thought about how I felt then vs how I feel now. I was happy, and careless, and used to think I was walking along a trail as a knight errant coming from some recent adventure where I conquered  and won the day in the name of good. Today I am on much less stable ground, which is exceptionally revealing. I can't differentiate between good and bad anymore and find myself constantly rationalizing my questionable actions.  I live in this morally ambiguous gray zone where the quote "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" has found a niche. My false sense of superiority is a detriment to my weak resolve and I find myself with what society would call "rejects", because they dont seem to judge falsely and then I would have no need to rebuff them as per what happens whenever im around what society would deem the "acceptable". I find biting my tongue a wanting characteristic and one beneath my abilities in the long term so I avoid and make my own small judgements which I do realize is no better, but we all have faults. Speaking of faults, I recently read John Greene's the Fault is in Our Stars and I must recommend it. Beg, Borrow, or steal to acquire this work of fiction and you will not be sorry, I personally stake my reputation on it. 
                I'm running out of moral lessons to teach or impart upon you. I hate being professorial and lording over you these truths that I have discovered as if I somehow have it al figured out. I don't, I am often more times wrong than I am correct and thats from my recent endeavors . So how can I attempt to lecture and "Educate" you the reader about some small inkling I have discovered? It's tough because I do have some nuggets of truth, but like you I still just dont know. One speech Obama gave that seemed to stick with me is that "America can't interject every time there is a wrong in the world, but that shouldn't be a reason to never intervene" I dont have it all figured out so I dont assume to tell you that I give you advice from that perch, but I do have some things figured out and if you move forward with this disclaimer you can take the advice I give not from above but from beside, as a sort of starting point. But be careful because as we mentioned before, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Hey you, look at me!

     This is just a ruff draft, unpolished and un-edited, raw if you will. I took an intro to art history course recently and the pioneers of generations lost have taught me about myself. I see their works and I feel, I lavish their accomplishment, I understand their motives, I live better knowing some small text book version of their craft. I also discovered my own art, my own ability and its limitations. I rediscovered my fickleness my inability to commit was laid barren before lives dedicated to perfection. I haven't written in a while because I was busy living, wanted to create grand stories and come back and report them to you. So you would be proud of me, so I could impress you and keep you coming back. Time never stopped, gave me no reprieve just kept moving like a story unfinished, told by a stranger in transit. I do the best that I can the best way that I know how.


Ps reading: Zinn's A peoples history of the United States and fighting to get through it I never finished the picture of Dorian and grey and I am sorry.

Toys.

   I had the most honest moment that I can recall this last weekend. I sat on the floor in the basement of my sisters house playing with wrestling figures with my nephew. It was pure and honest and lovely. We just played, he had one wrestler and I had one and we just took turns pinning each other and coming up with contrasting reasons why we were the winners of that bout. I needed him way more than he needed me, his innocence rubbed off and gave me hope of better, simpler days. I have to be honest there is this thing on my mind weighing me down, bear with me if you will. I recently went to my first and probably last Griffstock, and I made a complete and utter fool of myself. Why do you ask? a dazzling array of reasons, Arrogance, Esoteric beliefs. Ignorance, Foolishness, and lastly but greatest falt of all Nervousness. The need to impress outweighed out maneuvered out flanked and out battled the need for discretion, humbleness and timid interaction. I was wrong, I pointed out flaws people were not ready to acknowledge and I suffer because of my indiscretions. I suffer the loss of another lover, partner, connection in a world were so few relate. I constantly sniff out the few that do and then sabotage and push them so far away because its scary and I dont want to be rejected. Again knowing the problem doesn't set you on the correct course just hurts more knowing what you are doing and that you cant help it. All I can do is acknowledge and apologize, and thank my nephew who thought I was doing him a favor by playing with him... If only he knew he was saving me.

4000

      Thats how many page views I currently am at. Thank you, all 4,000 of you who thought I was worth the small liesure time you had, and spent it on me. I have a lot to say so if you are not ready to commit like a serious relationship I suggest you stop reading now.

     When did we become masochist? When did the subtle switching in our history occur, that we stopped believing in the betterment of ourselves and decided hurting ourselves would be more productive? maybe if we pinpointed it we can alter it presently. I am at an all time low, I havent had a haircut in maybe 2 months. I look up into the mirror while writing this an I am ashamed of the man I see in the mirror, and mostly other peoples opinion's make me feel this way. I'm so very tired of being lonely so I cling to the little human connection I do have for a small reprieve from my anguish, but these connections hurt, hinder, abuse, and suffocate (and a few more negative adjectives) the type of man I want to be. My current relationships are like everything in life; cyclical, a cycle of hurt and questioning of oneself that only leads to being hurt and questioning one's self. 

    I make mistakes constantly and I'm sorry, but stop being so quick to judge and ask WHY. I think why is the most simple but overly complex question in the history of humanity. Why do we do what we do. I can honestly tell you why I do what I do. Shame, I am ashamed of what I dont have, I have been sold this idea of what I should look like, smell like, have and act. If I dont meet these standards then I am less then others, and ashamed of it. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT being aware of your issues does not solve them. I want someone to love me for me, for my quirky randomness, for my love of America, and true love not false bravado, of freedom. of long intimate phone conversations arguing passionately about the use of "god" on money and in courts. Im constantly late and thats because I don't  have good time management and my lady has to be strong on my deficiencies or it wont work out. 

     We dont put substance in anything anymore too afraid of being vulnerable and unaccepted, I ask why? what can be so bad? someone else not accepting us? We must first accept ourself's, must first love ourself's then other's opinions wont matter and we can stifle through the mundane and undeserving and find true companionship. I know its moronic the blind leading the seeing, I don't have anyone and havent had someone for quite sometime so how can I tell you the importance of distinguishing who you should be with is outrages. but lets look at the metaphor the blind, who's other senses are more accute notice things that maybe those with vision dont.

P.S Shout out to the Supreme Court with bi-partisanship  recently upheld the constitutionality of the personal mandate for health insurance, big win for democracy and checks and balances.

It's been too long and im lost without you.

Seriously, you fight your way back into my life. Now you have to stay. Yes I get it, my extreme democratic views disheartened you, you have someone else in your life and you feel like you owe it to them to not talk to me. It's okay I wont push you further then you didn't want to be pushed. I'm here and you know me, now come back.

So you wiggled your way back into my life! This might be interesting ;) guess I will just go with the flow.... Or you can just tell me what you want . In the meantime my alarm just went off time to get up.

will I ever be rid of you.

How dare you? all 3 of you, I know all 3 of you read this. You have ruined me.. and then you come back to pick at the scab, just when I get over one, another one pops it ugly head and taunts. I dont care about your perfect boyfriend.. or your fucked up situation? or your insomnia... I offered everything I had and it was not good enough. Thats fine I can live with that, but what I cant live with is you trying to find some place in my life. I let you go, so do the same.

lost time.

Just hurting right now, masking the pain with liquor, and preoccupying my time with frivolous activities. My family has hurt me, someone I grew up with and was very close with has completely changed stripes. It's crazy cause I expected it from everyone but you. I havent written in a while, a lot that I wanted to say but I'll keep it to myself, from just not remembering or not caring enough to write about it. This semester has been flying by and I have learned very little. I got this amazing opportunity that Im squandering away. I teach an 8th grade class for this non profit organization called generation citizen, and its crazy cause when people ask about it I make it seem like its something its not. I tell a white lie by saying it was obscenely hard to get the internship and they where very selective when the truth was they took anybody. I shouldn't have to make anyone think that im special cause I choice to do this. but I do, its weird this should be its own reward not the false admiration that people give due to my misleading them. This has its own merits and if people cant recognize that oh well. my need to impress people outweighs my conscious and it sucks. I blame my father, my whole life I just wanted him to be proud of me, and it has rubbed off on other people. I love that I have this as an outlet to say the things that I cant speak. Downloaded the drake albume and its everything I expected and more amazing. been to a few protest, #occupy everything. I wonder when I became so socially awkward or have I always been this way and Im just noticing it? it may not seem that I am to the outside spectator but I am. I never know what to say, I blame the internet it stunted my social growth with social networking and online communication. It didnt allow me to develop essential social skills. oh well hopefully I'll get better.

sorry.

I promise one will be coming really soon.

Please stay.

I think its so terrible that I only find the courage to right* after a wrong night. Something about sinning all night leaves me needing to repent. Now lets not get it twisted, When I say sinning I make sure I only hurt myself. Its 11:41 and I wake up to a case of beers, I have good friends. Thanks Jay last night for saving the day, You hopped in the phonebooth and flew to the rescue.

I've had a few thoughts recently that I wanted to discuss, a few things that are plaguing me. I believe God exist and therefor I believe there is a reason for it all. I know its stupid to attempt to understand that reason, still I attempt. I use the little logic and understanding I have and try to relate it to something beyond my comprehension, doomed form the start (kinda like my relations with women). What have I gathered you ask? A pleather of ideas and thoughts, everything is random, but we are all somehow connected. That things are meant to happen, but yet your actions can change fate. Now I'm pretty sure your like wait Bean how can to profoundly different ideas coexist and thats when you fall prey to the same issues I had, attempting to use our mundane logic and attribute it to something beyond our comprehension. I bet the answer is so easy if one day the Almighty decides to share we will have one of those stupid Simpsons moments were we are just like DOH!

I'm loosing you, I can tell little by little, Im not exciting you the way I once did. Its okay I told you from the start I push people away. I dont know how to sustain a good thing. Like all humans I find flaws and I pick and pick and pick at them till they bleed. we are coming close to the point of no return, and a small part of me is like FULL SPEED AHEAD, but the larger part of me is like throw the thrusters in reverse. Recently survived a hurricane in New York, go figure. Irene, was her name and she did some damage, nothing New Yorkers who are born tough as nails cant handle. I have come to see the inequality in this city that I love so much. The streets who keep so many secrets, the delis that fuel nicotine addicts, and give false hope in the form of lotto tickets. I would hold out hope,that I might rekindle the spark, not watch you walk away, cause I dont think I can survive at this stage of life without you.

2 post in as many days....

I told myself I wouldn't post, then again I told myself I wouldn't do a lot of the things I have done in my life. Go figure, I might not be good enough for you. Listening to some good hip hop currently playing day-dreaming by Lupe Fiasco. Man is that not a perfect description of what we all do, day dream. We live in these fantasy worlds and run from reality for as long as we can, or was that just me. I have this terrible habit of assuming you the reader follows the same doomed path I do. Merchant of Venice, I promise this is the last reference I make to that literary master piece, Yes I know english majors technically its a play and shouldn't be referenced as literature, bite me. "I hold the world but as the world, (insert other member of conversation here); A stage where every man must play a role, and mine a sad one" I have repeated that line several times in the last few days. Am I secretly wanting it to be true or is it true. IS this the matrix or is the matrix the matrix, etc... I hate when directors do that it feels so cheap, I even hate when authors do that, like Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde, Frankenstein, Flight club (yes it was a novel first) all a terrible idea, we get it living is paradoxical don't poke front of us with it. Now that the banter is done we can get to the entree, what I wanted to say is I am upset, frustrated, lonely, and tired. that is all......

wouldn't you have felt unfulfilled if i left it at that, kinda sorta like a sexual encounter with me, (I make front of myself in hopes that any ladies out there might just wanna find out for themselves, ) is it just me or is life passing by way to fast, when you have tons of free time it goes way to fast. Parenting needs to improve, without a doubt. Parents need to enroll their children in latin school, and teach them the violin, the piano, the cello, stop settling for mediocrity and sitting them in-front of a television with Spungebob.

for the record that was a rant, and a darn good one.

2 years later.

I have come to value things, the current woman in my life, I have to tip my hat to you. Thank you, you have given me something to look forward too. Bender, Is what I have been on 3 days straight of drinking, smoking (cigarette's), sitting around talking about past lovers, assing out on my friends couch surrounded by people all hiding from life, all in our early twenties trying to figure this stage of our life out. to many drugs, to many insecurities. You have been my shining light, my north star guiding me, saving me from myself. I am two years older since my heart shattered, and my world was turned upside down. sitting here on the couch holding a woman who has been abused her whole life, and I just wish I could have been there every time to be her guiding light. not wanting to be just another nigga that wants to fuck. I know it sounds like a rant but I'm saying alot and I wont accept that. I'm saying I care for humanity, I've been hurt, I've recovered and grown and have become a better man. Maturity comes with a price, you loose your innocence, you loose your imagination. Values, Morality, Honesty, Trustworthyness(this is not a real word), Security, Culture, Wit, and an occasional crazy week. That's what I bring to the table.

All I ever had, Me.

Jesus 66 post, have I said anything worthwhile I hope so. your loss, and not even In a cocky not really meaning it kinda way. In a heartfelt honest way. You are missing out on me. That's a powerful word, me. It encompasses all that I am. All that you are missing. Random thoughts, insightful moments, witty British humor, deep eyes. I get it, the situation isn't right, your not interested. Damn Bob Marley Redemption song playing in the background and I feel the words of my ancestors streaming through me. The sacrifice they made to give me the opportunity to chase skirts in bars, to squabble away my days. Some strange things happening in this world, and even stranger things happening in my head. It all comes down to something some brass tax, some uncrossable line, whether it's with religion or morals or logic, some point of no return. Post 67 and yes its been a while. I work, gearing up for another semister. further learning who I am and what I have to offer, It may not be much, but its honest. I have come to value honesty, come to understand the importance of admitting to your flaws and misgivings. See the worth of learning to take responsibility for your actions. All lies come to light eventually. Been on a poetry high lately, and If you have not read Robert Frost The Road Less Traveled I suggest you do. another lonely light, Another lit cig, Another Cracked Brew, Another low moment in my life I cant wait to past through.

Im just saying you could do better.

The women that I would try, Is happy with a good guy. but I been drinking so much Imma call her anyway and say fuck that nigga that you love so bad. I know you still think about the times we had. I know I do DRIZZZY!

Happy birthday to you.

(two birds, one stone)
It's your birthday and I wish I could wish you well, Wish I could buy you something. Alas the Universe has seen fit to put us on different paths hopefully it will also make this one better for you, getting old right, where did the time go? you have made it impossible for me to connect with other people. I dont blame you I blame me. I like to say sorry, you never can apologize to much. That's what my new job has taught me. Its become like second nature to me. I will put this out there in the same universe that took us apart and hope it shows it to you. Im also attaching a small birthday cake and some tulips.