Yes please!

I had a momentary lapse in judgement, but now im back in full control.

Try spreading some love today hug someone kiss them tell them you love them and that they make days better. I try to look at the glass half full because seeing it half empty just makes me thirsty. "The more I see the less I know the more I like to let it go heeeyyy ohh." - snow chad smith, Red Hot Chili Peppers.

spare some change.

I Have made some poor life decisions. I miss you. I miss everything about you. I miss that person that I used to be. We learn and we grow and we change. We compromise, on everything for the sake of some better good some divine providence. We rarely take a stand, you want italian she want's chinese. You want to pursue a career in music your parents don't think it's a notable career path. You want to move to Africa and help starving children your scared of aids. We think its small things and we make a little change and a little change and a little change and then one day we wake up brush our teeth look in the mirror and we don't know who we are anymore.

Im learning and Im growing but a large part of me wants to hold on to my innocence wants me to be that kid that didn't know anything about the cruel world and looked forward to going to the park from sun up to sun down. When having 5 bucks in my pocket felt like I had the world on a string. when you looked at your phone and its ringing and its that person that makes everything better and you was gonna give it 5 more minutes before you called them but by some work of god they called you first. I want to go back to simpler days when we said what we meant and we where insecure with due cause. before we had heartbreaks when we didnt have to watch what we ate, and never had to work out cause thats all we did was run and jump and roll and dream about how much easier life is gonna be when we were older. I cant take back how I've hurt you but I can make the pain seem inconsequential to the happiness and joy and learning and growing I can bring into your life.

I Generally don't Add P.S. but after I wrote this Pandora decided to bless me with the Goo Goo Dolls and I had to share. " When you asked me what I want this year I tried to make this kind and clear Just a chance that maybe we'd find better days" - Better Days.

The Many faces of Bean.

love.

Right hand to God.

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me god.

It's 5:30 in the morning I haven't had a wink of sleep and I felt it. It would seem that I do my best writing at this time this "twilight" hour if you will. something about the day being reborn the sun shining its brights rays on our side of the hemisphere some elusion of second chances that we get 1 more day to set things right, to set the record straight, Some allure to grandeur that gets my literary juices flowing. the "it" in question would be that numbing pain that lets me still know I can feel something That glimpse I had of what could have been and how I fucked it up. I have learned a few things from greater men then myself Alfred Lord Tennyson said "Tis better to have love and lost then never love at all" Deep down in my center, my core I hold that to be true but on the outside I deny it with every fiber of reason. Its an endless debate on one side of the scale you have the argument that we would not appreciate the day without the night we would not understand what it means to be happy if we never felt pain. On the other side of the scale we have the debate that its all useless. All the sleepless nights spent frustrated and angry all the wasted emotions all the pain and grief and suffering all the remorse would be insurmountable to the emptiness we would feel our entire life's if we never knew love. I say Nay, I tip the scale in the favor of never loving. I am a smoker I don't actually smoke cigarettes anymore but I know for the rest of my life that craving will be there that need In my viens to inhale the smoke. I rue the day that I picked up a cigarette because I know what it is like to live without it.

Just like I rue the day I fell nay Leaped in love because now I know what it is like to live without it. Just on the surface though.

Back to the morning, the renewal if you will. Im a restless creature not so much that I don't sleep but Im wanting to get out to escape. I take a look at my wants and habits and it would seem I want most what I cant have. I seriously have to take a look at my past and see where this originated when did I decide it would be better to per-sue what is out of my reach what has no interest in me instead of settling. It would seem that to be an endless cycle and no one ending up with anything. If we all chase what doesn't want us we end up with nothing. A few times I Have sat on my porch in NYC and watched the sunrise and just enjoyed it. The people walking by must have thought something was up (N.Y. isnt a very trusting city with due cause though) Its been a few days since I posted something to busy fighting my demons I was finally allowed a moments reprieve and decided it was time to air my dirty laundry let the neighbors see whos living next to them allow you another small glimpse into the intricacies that is ANDRE.

WTFBBQ?

Lady's and Gent's that time is upon us. All the planets are in alignment the universe is conspiring in my favor, the time of reckoning is here. I feel the words coursing through my veins from the very tips of my toes traveling the length of my torso and though my arms to the finger tips that touch the keyboard. They are bursting Crying for sweet release. They want to be heard, read, said If their name was William Wallace they would WANT FREEDOM. Where to begin, so what I really want to discuss with no additive or preservatives is "Good" for all intensive purposes we will describe "Good" as societies accepted definition. Kissing babies and helping old ladies cross the street and all the "Good" stuff. We Never talk about the "Good" in our life unless its to brag.

I think that is wrong, we should start talking about the "Good" more often and not in a bragging fashion. Lady's and Gentlemen of the jury I give you exhibit A- The Media, 85% of what we see on CNN, MSNBC, BBC, ALJEEZERA, (notice I left out Fox News chances are if you watch Fox News for content and not comical relief your already in a world of trouble) is "bad" fires,deaths,murder,assassinations,oil spills, Celebrity trials, Rapes, Violence. The worst humanity has to offer is on constant display portrayed for its wow factor and cheap ratings. About 5 minutes before the show is over you will see a firefighter pull a cat from a tree or some nominal act so they have a scapegoat when the realist point out the bullshit that is modern day media.

What I will try to do In my day to day life is focus more on the good I do then the bad thats around me. Focus on the babies I kiss, the old ladies I help cross the street and the cats I pull out of trees. I Came across an interesting quote while writing this 20 hour blog (started at about 9 P.M. and gonna post it around 6 in the morning) The original quote I was thinking of and researching originally said it was "When you try, You plan to fail" , It didn't sound quite right to me and I had to find something better to share so I continued researching and came across "Try and Fail, but don't Fail to try" and that made a world of sense. Its this Macho Alpha Type-A personality thats wrong with the world of course you want to succeed but a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step (if that reference makes any sense to the current situation) You need to try and fail and try and fail and try and get it right.

Excuse my frantic rantings but I needed my "Fix" and it was no were to be found. Currently Stranded In Florida and like Iraq I see no exit strategy in the near Future.

Pen to Computer Screen.

I Just need to write. I started this blog because I wanted you the to know how I felt a small part of me wanted you to feel sorry wanted you to know my anguish and my human condition . Now its grown, taken on a mind of its own I guess like we all do. We start out with ulterior motives and end up with good ones but are chastised for our original intentions. So yea I started with malice and hate in my heart but now I have love and good will. I wanna write to express emotions to make sense of a senseless world. For you to read a situation I went through and have ammo in your arsenal for when you go through it. I wanna write to make you smile for you to take heart in my usage of the english language. I want to write so you can understand my perspective see the world through my eyes for a fleeting moment. I want to write so a year from now when I look back at a post I say "oh yeah, Wow I was a douche-bag did I really believe that crap?" to see how I have grown and matured as a person since the change is so gradual you do not notice it, I will have a marker. I want to write to inspire others to find a calling and follow it like twitter. I want to write to be that shining light in someone's dark day even its only because they say man I thought I had it bad but that dude bean is Fucked. I wanna write because you need to read even if its just 1 person or if its multitudes. There are days I take showers and I strategize while in the shower about what my next post is gonna be about and did I write about that subject already or kinda maybe touched base on it in another post? I wanna write because it has become my passion the driving force in a fleet of hobbies. Sometimes I enjoy the feedback and the introspection and retrospection but sometimes I just want an acknowledgment that you read, it that you lived through it and care less what you have to say. I write because....

I lost One.

Honestly at 23, I would probally love my work more then I did she,

The time is now for her, in time she'll mature and maybe we can be we like we were.