Please stay.

I think its so terrible that I only find the courage to right* after a wrong night. Something about sinning all night leaves me needing to repent. Now lets not get it twisted, When I say sinning I make sure I only hurt myself. Its 11:41 and I wake up to a case of beers, I have good friends. Thanks Jay last night for saving the day, You hopped in the phonebooth and flew to the rescue.

I've had a few thoughts recently that I wanted to discuss, a few things that are plaguing me. I believe God exist and therefor I believe there is a reason for it all. I know its stupid to attempt to understand that reason, still I attempt. I use the little logic and understanding I have and try to relate it to something beyond my comprehension, doomed form the start (kinda like my relations with women). What have I gathered you ask? A pleather of ideas and thoughts, everything is random, but we are all somehow connected. That things are meant to happen, but yet your actions can change fate. Now I'm pretty sure your like wait Bean how can to profoundly different ideas coexist and thats when you fall prey to the same issues I had, attempting to use our mundane logic and attribute it to something beyond our comprehension. I bet the answer is so easy if one day the Almighty decides to share we will have one of those stupid Simpsons moments were we are just like DOH!

I'm loosing you, I can tell little by little, Im not exciting you the way I once did. Its okay I told you from the start I push people away. I dont know how to sustain a good thing. Like all humans I find flaws and I pick and pick and pick at them till they bleed. we are coming close to the point of no return, and a small part of me is like FULL SPEED AHEAD, but the larger part of me is like throw the thrusters in reverse. Recently survived a hurricane in New York, go figure. Irene, was her name and she did some damage, nothing New Yorkers who are born tough as nails cant handle. I have come to see the inequality in this city that I love so much. The streets who keep so many secrets, the delis that fuel nicotine addicts, and give false hope in the form of lotto tickets. I would hold out hope,that I might rekindle the spark, not watch you walk away, cause I dont think I can survive at this stage of life without you.

2 post in as many days....

I told myself I wouldn't post, then again I told myself I wouldn't do a lot of the things I have done in my life. Go figure, I might not be good enough for you. Listening to some good hip hop currently playing day-dreaming by Lupe Fiasco. Man is that not a perfect description of what we all do, day dream. We live in these fantasy worlds and run from reality for as long as we can, or was that just me. I have this terrible habit of assuming you the reader follows the same doomed path I do. Merchant of Venice, I promise this is the last reference I make to that literary master piece, Yes I know english majors technically its a play and shouldn't be referenced as literature, bite me. "I hold the world but as the world, (insert other member of conversation here); A stage where every man must play a role, and mine a sad one" I have repeated that line several times in the last few days. Am I secretly wanting it to be true or is it true. IS this the matrix or is the matrix the matrix, etc... I hate when directors do that it feels so cheap, I even hate when authors do that, like Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde, Frankenstein, Flight club (yes it was a novel first) all a terrible idea, we get it living is paradoxical don't poke front of us with it. Now that the banter is done we can get to the entree, what I wanted to say is I am upset, frustrated, lonely, and tired. that is all......

wouldn't you have felt unfulfilled if i left it at that, kinda sorta like a sexual encounter with me, (I make front of myself in hopes that any ladies out there might just wanna find out for themselves, ) is it just me or is life passing by way to fast, when you have tons of free time it goes way to fast. Parenting needs to improve, without a doubt. Parents need to enroll their children in latin school, and teach them the violin, the piano, the cello, stop settling for mediocrity and sitting them in-front of a television with Spungebob.

for the record that was a rant, and a darn good one.

2 years later.

I have come to value things, the current woman in my life, I have to tip my hat to you. Thank you, you have given me something to look forward too. Bender, Is what I have been on 3 days straight of drinking, smoking (cigarette's), sitting around talking about past lovers, assing out on my friends couch surrounded by people all hiding from life, all in our early twenties trying to figure this stage of our life out. to many drugs, to many insecurities. You have been my shining light, my north star guiding me, saving me from myself. I am two years older since my heart shattered, and my world was turned upside down. sitting here on the couch holding a woman who has been abused her whole life, and I just wish I could have been there every time to be her guiding light. not wanting to be just another nigga that wants to fuck. I know it sounds like a rant but I'm saying alot and I wont accept that. I'm saying I care for humanity, I've been hurt, I've recovered and grown and have become a better man. Maturity comes with a price, you loose your innocence, you loose your imagination. Values, Morality, Honesty, Trustworthyness(this is not a real word), Security, Culture, Wit, and an occasional crazy week. That's what I bring to the table.

All I ever had, Me.

Jesus 66 post, have I said anything worthwhile I hope so. your loss, and not even In a cocky not really meaning it kinda way. In a heartfelt honest way. You are missing out on me. That's a powerful word, me. It encompasses all that I am. All that you are missing. Random thoughts, insightful moments, witty British humor, deep eyes. I get it, the situation isn't right, your not interested. Damn Bob Marley Redemption song playing in the background and I feel the words of my ancestors streaming through me. The sacrifice they made to give me the opportunity to chase skirts in bars, to squabble away my days. Some strange things happening in this world, and even stranger things happening in my head. It all comes down to something some brass tax, some uncrossable line, whether it's with religion or morals or logic, some point of no return. Post 67 and yes its been a while. I work, gearing up for another semister. further learning who I am and what I have to offer, It may not be much, but its honest. I have come to value honesty, come to understand the importance of admitting to your flaws and misgivings. See the worth of learning to take responsibility for your actions. All lies come to light eventually. Been on a poetry high lately, and If you have not read Robert Frost The Road Less Traveled I suggest you do. another lonely light, Another lit cig, Another Cracked Brew, Another low moment in my life I cant wait to past through.

Im just saying you could do better.

The women that I would try, Is happy with a good guy. but I been drinking so much Imma call her anyway and say fuck that nigga that you love so bad. I know you still think about the times we had. I know I do DRIZZZY!

Happy birthday to you.

(two birds, one stone)
It's your birthday and I wish I could wish you well, Wish I could buy you something. Alas the Universe has seen fit to put us on different paths hopefully it will also make this one better for you, getting old right, where did the time go? you have made it impossible for me to connect with other people. I dont blame you I blame me. I like to say sorry, you never can apologize to much. That's what my new job has taught me. Its become like second nature to me. I will put this out there in the same universe that took us apart and hope it shows it to you. Im also attaching a small birthday cake and some tulips.

adderall

Emotion will be the death of me. I cant do it anymore, It's so hard being young, I don't imagine any stage of life is easy but this one seems especially hard. *Correction being young with a conscious is difficult. I'm trying devilishly hard to balance a social life, family life, a productive future, expectations I have for myself and that my family have for me, build meaningful relationships, not to mention these outrages lonely nights. I need sex end of story its been way to long. and not just regular sex, meaningful sex. Where we can laugh with each other afterwords. I'm sick of the fronting. the delicate balance of being someones friend and not getting what I want. I find depravity a lacking companion. My sole adjudicator are novels they give me a moral guideline to living. drunk nights roaming new york are getting old. they are loosing their lackluster all that glitter isn't gold. you truly get what you pay for. It takes all the will power I have to not reach out. I have went on a spree of telling the truth and it hurts. hope is in of itself an evil thing. It allows you to sustain unbearable conditions for expectations of relief of compensation for past wrongs. You tell yourself It's okay, good karma will find you repay you for the countless tears your shoulder has been there for. It will reward you with a shoulder that will walk side by side with yours, and if you have an untimely demise karma your karma will transfer to another deserving soul. hey what else do I have, Accept that life inst grand, that no matter how hard you try, Pandora's box is just filled with to many evils?