lost time.

Just hurting right now, masking the pain with liquor, and preoccupying my time with frivolous activities. My family has hurt me, someone I grew up with and was very close with has completely changed stripes. It's crazy cause I expected it from everyone but you. I havent written in a while, a lot that I wanted to say but I'll keep it to myself, from just not remembering or not caring enough to write about it. This semester has been flying by and I have learned very little. I got this amazing opportunity that Im squandering away. I teach an 8th grade class for this non profit organization called generation citizen, and its crazy cause when people ask about it I make it seem like its something its not. I tell a white lie by saying it was obscenely hard to get the internship and they where very selective when the truth was they took anybody. I shouldn't have to make anyone think that im special cause I choice to do this. but I do, its weird this should be its own reward not the false admiration that people give due to my misleading them. This has its own merits and if people cant recognize that oh well. my need to impress people outweighs my conscious and it sucks. I blame my father, my whole life I just wanted him to be proud of me, and it has rubbed off on other people. I love that I have this as an outlet to say the things that I cant speak. Downloaded the drake albume and its everything I expected and more amazing. been to a few protest, #occupy everything. I wonder when I became so socially awkward or have I always been this way and Im just noticing it? it may not seem that I am to the outside spectator but I am. I never know what to say, I blame the internet it stunted my social growth with social networking and online communication. It didnt allow me to develop essential social skills. oh well hopefully I'll get better.

sorry.

I promise one will be coming really soon.

Please stay.

I think its so terrible that I only find the courage to right* after a wrong night. Something about sinning all night leaves me needing to repent. Now lets not get it twisted, When I say sinning I make sure I only hurt myself. Its 11:41 and I wake up to a case of beers, I have good friends. Thanks Jay last night for saving the day, You hopped in the phonebooth and flew to the rescue.

I've had a few thoughts recently that I wanted to discuss, a few things that are plaguing me. I believe God exist and therefor I believe there is a reason for it all. I know its stupid to attempt to understand that reason, still I attempt. I use the little logic and understanding I have and try to relate it to something beyond my comprehension, doomed form the start (kinda like my relations with women). What have I gathered you ask? A pleather of ideas and thoughts, everything is random, but we are all somehow connected. That things are meant to happen, but yet your actions can change fate. Now I'm pretty sure your like wait Bean how can to profoundly different ideas coexist and thats when you fall prey to the same issues I had, attempting to use our mundane logic and attribute it to something beyond our comprehension. I bet the answer is so easy if one day the Almighty decides to share we will have one of those stupid Simpsons moments were we are just like DOH!

I'm loosing you, I can tell little by little, Im not exciting you the way I once did. Its okay I told you from the start I push people away. I dont know how to sustain a good thing. Like all humans I find flaws and I pick and pick and pick at them till they bleed. we are coming close to the point of no return, and a small part of me is like FULL SPEED AHEAD, but the larger part of me is like throw the thrusters in reverse. Recently survived a hurricane in New York, go figure. Irene, was her name and she did some damage, nothing New Yorkers who are born tough as nails cant handle. I have come to see the inequality in this city that I love so much. The streets who keep so many secrets, the delis that fuel nicotine addicts, and give false hope in the form of lotto tickets. I would hold out hope,that I might rekindle the spark, not watch you walk away, cause I dont think I can survive at this stage of life without you.

2 post in as many days....

I told myself I wouldn't post, then again I told myself I wouldn't do a lot of the things I have done in my life. Go figure, I might not be good enough for you. Listening to some good hip hop currently playing day-dreaming by Lupe Fiasco. Man is that not a perfect description of what we all do, day dream. We live in these fantasy worlds and run from reality for as long as we can, or was that just me. I have this terrible habit of assuming you the reader follows the same doomed path I do. Merchant of Venice, I promise this is the last reference I make to that literary master piece, Yes I know english majors technically its a play and shouldn't be referenced as literature, bite me. "I hold the world but as the world, (insert other member of conversation here); A stage where every man must play a role, and mine a sad one" I have repeated that line several times in the last few days. Am I secretly wanting it to be true or is it true. IS this the matrix or is the matrix the matrix, etc... I hate when directors do that it feels so cheap, I even hate when authors do that, like Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde, Frankenstein, Flight club (yes it was a novel first) all a terrible idea, we get it living is paradoxical don't poke front of us with it. Now that the banter is done we can get to the entree, what I wanted to say is I am upset, frustrated, lonely, and tired. that is all......

wouldn't you have felt unfulfilled if i left it at that, kinda sorta like a sexual encounter with me, (I make front of myself in hopes that any ladies out there might just wanna find out for themselves, ) is it just me or is life passing by way to fast, when you have tons of free time it goes way to fast. Parenting needs to improve, without a doubt. Parents need to enroll their children in latin school, and teach them the violin, the piano, the cello, stop settling for mediocrity and sitting them in-front of a television with Spungebob.

for the record that was a rant, and a darn good one.

2 years later.

I have come to value things, the current woman in my life, I have to tip my hat to you. Thank you, you have given me something to look forward too. Bender, Is what I have been on 3 days straight of drinking, smoking (cigarette's), sitting around talking about past lovers, assing out on my friends couch surrounded by people all hiding from life, all in our early twenties trying to figure this stage of our life out. to many drugs, to many insecurities. You have been my shining light, my north star guiding me, saving me from myself. I am two years older since my heart shattered, and my world was turned upside down. sitting here on the couch holding a woman who has been abused her whole life, and I just wish I could have been there every time to be her guiding light. not wanting to be just another nigga that wants to fuck. I know it sounds like a rant but I'm saying alot and I wont accept that. I'm saying I care for humanity, I've been hurt, I've recovered and grown and have become a better man. Maturity comes with a price, you loose your innocence, you loose your imagination. Values, Morality, Honesty, Trustworthyness(this is not a real word), Security, Culture, Wit, and an occasional crazy week. That's what I bring to the table.

All I ever had, Me.

Jesus 66 post, have I said anything worthwhile I hope so. your loss, and not even In a cocky not really meaning it kinda way. In a heartfelt honest way. You are missing out on me. That's a powerful word, me. It encompasses all that I am. All that you are missing. Random thoughts, insightful moments, witty British humor, deep eyes. I get it, the situation isn't right, your not interested. Damn Bob Marley Redemption song playing in the background and I feel the words of my ancestors streaming through me. The sacrifice they made to give me the opportunity to chase skirts in bars, to squabble away my days. Some strange things happening in this world, and even stranger things happening in my head. It all comes down to something some brass tax, some uncrossable line, whether it's with religion or morals or logic, some point of no return. Post 67 and yes its been a while. I work, gearing up for another semister. further learning who I am and what I have to offer, It may not be much, but its honest. I have come to value honesty, come to understand the importance of admitting to your flaws and misgivings. See the worth of learning to take responsibility for your actions. All lies come to light eventually. Been on a poetry high lately, and If you have not read Robert Frost The Road Less Traveled I suggest you do. another lonely light, Another lit cig, Another Cracked Brew, Another low moment in my life I cant wait to past through.

Im just saying you could do better.

The women that I would try, Is happy with a good guy. but I been drinking so much Imma call her anyway and say fuck that nigga that you love so bad. I know you still think about the times we had. I know I do DRIZZZY!