4000

      Thats how many page views I currently am at. Thank you, all 4,000 of you who thought I was worth the small liesure time you had, and spent it on me. I have a lot to say so if you are not ready to commit like a serious relationship I suggest you stop reading now.

     When did we become masochist? When did the subtle switching in our history occur, that we stopped believing in the betterment of ourselves and decided hurting ourselves would be more productive? maybe if we pinpointed it we can alter it presently. I am at an all time low, I havent had a haircut in maybe 2 months. I look up into the mirror while writing this an I am ashamed of the man I see in the mirror, and mostly other peoples opinion's make me feel this way. I'm so very tired of being lonely so I cling to the little human connection I do have for a small reprieve from my anguish, but these connections hurt, hinder, abuse, and suffocate (and a few more negative adjectives) the type of man I want to be. My current relationships are like everything in life; cyclical, a cycle of hurt and questioning of oneself that only leads to being hurt and questioning one's self. 

    I make mistakes constantly and I'm sorry, but stop being so quick to judge and ask WHY. I think why is the most simple but overly complex question in the history of humanity. Why do we do what we do. I can honestly tell you why I do what I do. Shame, I am ashamed of what I dont have, I have been sold this idea of what I should look like, smell like, have and act. If I dont meet these standards then I am less then others, and ashamed of it. PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT being aware of your issues does not solve them. I want someone to love me for me, for my quirky randomness, for my love of America, and true love not false bravado, of freedom. of long intimate phone conversations arguing passionately about the use of "god" on money and in courts. Im constantly late and thats because I don't  have good time management and my lady has to be strong on my deficiencies or it wont work out. 

     We dont put substance in anything anymore too afraid of being vulnerable and unaccepted, I ask why? what can be so bad? someone else not accepting us? We must first accept ourself's, must first love ourself's then other's opinions wont matter and we can stifle through the mundane and undeserving and find true companionship. I know its moronic the blind leading the seeing, I don't have anyone and havent had someone for quite sometime so how can I tell you the importance of distinguishing who you should be with is outrages. but lets look at the metaphor the blind, who's other senses are more accute notice things that maybe those with vision dont.

P.S Shout out to the Supreme Court with bi-partisanship  recently upheld the constitutionality of the personal mandate for health insurance, big win for democracy and checks and balances.

It's been too long and im lost without you.

Seriously, you fight your way back into my life. Now you have to stay. Yes I get it, my extreme democratic views disheartened you, you have someone else in your life and you feel like you owe it to them to not talk to me. It's okay I wont push you further then you didn't want to be pushed. I'm here and you know me, now come back.

So you wiggled your way back into my life! This might be interesting ;) guess I will just go with the flow.... Or you can just tell me what you want . In the meantime my alarm just went off time to get up.

will I ever be rid of you.

How dare you? all 3 of you, I know all 3 of you read this. You have ruined me.. and then you come back to pick at the scab, just when I get over one, another one pops it ugly head and taunts. I dont care about your perfect boyfriend.. or your fucked up situation? or your insomnia... I offered everything I had and it was not good enough. Thats fine I can live with that, but what I cant live with is you trying to find some place in my life. I let you go, so do the same.

lost time.

Just hurting right now, masking the pain with liquor, and preoccupying my time with frivolous activities. My family has hurt me, someone I grew up with and was very close with has completely changed stripes. It's crazy cause I expected it from everyone but you. I havent written in a while, a lot that I wanted to say but I'll keep it to myself, from just not remembering or not caring enough to write about it. This semester has been flying by and I have learned very little. I got this amazing opportunity that Im squandering away. I teach an 8th grade class for this non profit organization called generation citizen, and its crazy cause when people ask about it I make it seem like its something its not. I tell a white lie by saying it was obscenely hard to get the internship and they where very selective when the truth was they took anybody. I shouldn't have to make anyone think that im special cause I choice to do this. but I do, its weird this should be its own reward not the false admiration that people give due to my misleading them. This has its own merits and if people cant recognize that oh well. my need to impress people outweighs my conscious and it sucks. I blame my father, my whole life I just wanted him to be proud of me, and it has rubbed off on other people. I love that I have this as an outlet to say the things that I cant speak. Downloaded the drake albume and its everything I expected and more amazing. been to a few protest, #occupy everything. I wonder when I became so socially awkward or have I always been this way and Im just noticing it? it may not seem that I am to the outside spectator but I am. I never know what to say, I blame the internet it stunted my social growth with social networking and online communication. It didnt allow me to develop essential social skills. oh well hopefully I'll get better.

sorry.

I promise one will be coming really soon.

Please stay.

I think its so terrible that I only find the courage to right* after a wrong night. Something about sinning all night leaves me needing to repent. Now lets not get it twisted, When I say sinning I make sure I only hurt myself. Its 11:41 and I wake up to a case of beers, I have good friends. Thanks Jay last night for saving the day, You hopped in the phonebooth and flew to the rescue.

I've had a few thoughts recently that I wanted to discuss, a few things that are plaguing me. I believe God exist and therefor I believe there is a reason for it all. I know its stupid to attempt to understand that reason, still I attempt. I use the little logic and understanding I have and try to relate it to something beyond my comprehension, doomed form the start (kinda like my relations with women). What have I gathered you ask? A pleather of ideas and thoughts, everything is random, but we are all somehow connected. That things are meant to happen, but yet your actions can change fate. Now I'm pretty sure your like wait Bean how can to profoundly different ideas coexist and thats when you fall prey to the same issues I had, attempting to use our mundane logic and attribute it to something beyond our comprehension. I bet the answer is so easy if one day the Almighty decides to share we will have one of those stupid Simpsons moments were we are just like DOH!

I'm loosing you, I can tell little by little, Im not exciting you the way I once did. Its okay I told you from the start I push people away. I dont know how to sustain a good thing. Like all humans I find flaws and I pick and pick and pick at them till they bleed. we are coming close to the point of no return, and a small part of me is like FULL SPEED AHEAD, but the larger part of me is like throw the thrusters in reverse. Recently survived a hurricane in New York, go figure. Irene, was her name and she did some damage, nothing New Yorkers who are born tough as nails cant handle. I have come to see the inequality in this city that I love so much. The streets who keep so many secrets, the delis that fuel nicotine addicts, and give false hope in the form of lotto tickets. I would hold out hope,that I might rekindle the spark, not watch you walk away, cause I dont think I can survive at this stage of life without you.