adderall

Emotion will be the death of me. I cant do it anymore, It's so hard being young, I don't imagine any stage of life is easy but this one seems especially hard. *Correction being young with a conscious is difficult. I'm trying devilishly hard to balance a social life, family life, a productive future, expectations I have for myself and that my family have for me, build meaningful relationships, not to mention these outrages lonely nights. I need sex end of story its been way to long. and not just regular sex, meaningful sex. Where we can laugh with each other afterwords. I'm sick of the fronting. the delicate balance of being someones friend and not getting what I want. I find depravity a lacking companion. My sole adjudicator are novels they give me a moral guideline to living. drunk nights roaming new york are getting old. they are loosing their lackluster all that glitter isn't gold. you truly get what you pay for. It takes all the will power I have to not reach out. I have went on a spree of telling the truth and it hurts. hope is in of itself an evil thing. It allows you to sustain unbearable conditions for expectations of relief of compensation for past wrongs. You tell yourself It's okay, good karma will find you repay you for the countless tears your shoulder has been there for. It will reward you with a shoulder that will walk side by side with yours, and if you have an untimely demise karma your karma will transfer to another deserving soul. hey what else do I have, Accept that life inst grand, that no matter how hard you try, Pandora's box is just filled with to many evils?

Smoking, Duh Loosing.

I do. I need you, Your the nicotine of my life. Just like with quitting you relapse and you miss that feeling of inhaling that first pull. That satisfaction when you fulfill your bodies wants. You know that empty feeling when you haven't smoked for a few hours, and everything seems grey. Well you are the Cigarette for my heart. My heart needs you. Its sending my body all types of signals telling me its missing something, the balance is off. Everything is grey. A man knows with a certain clairvoyance beyond a reasonable doubt what his duty is. What he should do and why. Greater men then I, have attempted for millennia to decipher and decrypt Love. To identify why it drives us mad, to manipulate it, to use it for unjust causes. For just causes. Women have used it for safety, and it would seem, some nobler causes throughout history then us with excess testosterone. For us smokers when someone who has never smoked before ask's what is it like? Am I the only one that has immense difficulty describing the sense of urgency that leaves your body, the euphoric couple of seconds after the smoke hits your lungs. Well Love is kinda sorta like that, we think we know what it means not only does it change for each person its impossible to describe. To quote a Justice of the court, " I know it when I see it" seems prudent. I cant tell you what its like to be loved, but I can tell you what its like not to be.

12804 hours and still counting.

Smile with your Heart

The world will notice. It will see, and smile with you. Hello my loyal fans all 3 of you. Its been a week so its safe to say I have gotten myself into some adventures and met some characters. On the bumpy, wide, worn down road of the world I've traveled only 22 and my feet HURT. I have shared some laughs and some hurts some misgivings and misunderstandings and its show me the follies of my ways. You still have to smile with your heart. Embrace your culture and the culture of the world. I came across this theory of interconnectedness, that we are all connected that the smallest movement of the smallest thing affects magnitudes of the world. An Its not that hard to believe. I have come into myself. Defined who I want to be (shout outs to college for that). It was not easy It took a lot of trial and error, So if any pics of me in all black and eyeliner surface I apologize ahead of time. It boggles the mind to think of all the butterflies and small insignificant things that made me who I am, All the missed trains that allowed me to meet all the wonderful people I currently know. the couple of extra times I hit snooze on my blackberry when it was telling me it was GO time. The wonderful sun is out in N.Y.C., Its warmth is engulfing, and inspiring forcing us city critters to flee our habitats in search of food, companionship and growth.
Realistically Speaking I said a whole lot of nothing and nothing on a whole lot. but the words flow out of me like a conduit, of the human condition. I am the spokesperson for the few that get it, and realize how hard it was to grasp. the little things make me happy, and the big things I don't trust. I have had my difficulties and so will you, but you will bounce back. Summer is on the horizon, one day at a time it's creeping and unlike previous summers I'll know im enjoying myself.

slow down.

Our Generation the Millenniums, we are a connected generation, phone constantly in our hands, ipods in our ears, updating facebook or twitter. So connected we have become disconnected. So busy with whats online we don't see whats in front of us. We are producing a Generation of socially awkward individuals who know only how to communicate to people through the medium of social networking sites. What ever happened to parks and parties? Have you been to a party lately when you get there everyone is on their phone talking, calling everyone else asking where they at or complaining about this party or formulating plans to do after the party. stop and take a look around its disheartening the only reason I notice it is because I am on the cusp of Generation X and The Millenniums, I'm stuck in both worlds I find myself doing what I hate and I literally shake my head in disappointment. Where did this need to be constantly plugged in come from? why must we be so available all the time, would the world cease to exist if we didnt respond to a text, IM, Tweet, status update, picture comment, email?

I feel naked when I leave my phone at home I literally cut my day short, without my blackberry. Since I hate when people point out the problems without providing a solution I will further examine it and maybe propose something. Our phones/ Ipods have become an extension of ourselves they define and protect us. are you an Iphone person or a blackberry or a droid? they shield us, from unwanted social interaction but shouldn't shield us from all interaction, that is what they are slowly doing. I propose a national no phone day. 1 day a year where everyone either turns off their phone or leave it at home. The counter argument is what about emergencies, people with children? My counter-argument cellphones didn't always exist somehow people manage whole lives without them. I have been cutting my post short for the simple fact that I know people become discouraged when they see a wall of text, and would prefer they read something rather then nothing at all. Semester is almost over 2 large papers and one panthlet is due, grind time, To all my lovers, haters, no opinions, " Its like the world is in my hands now Im feeling so rebellious. "

Smart Persons.

If You notice I said persons. "Smart" is not a universal trait its not even a common trait. first and foremost this is a rant, a pathetic attempt to, A. get people to first reevaluate, second change, and third demonstrate. as impossible as this task may be I understand something that a lot of us "smart" people don't, we just cast off the "not smart" people and don't attempt to fix the problem don't get me wrong fellow "smart" people I am just as frustrated I have had those moments where you just want to take someones head and slam them into a wall, where they offend you because of their insecurities, where they counterattack rather then self-evaluate, where constructive critiscm is myth. You would rather let misinformation and ignorance run rampid then attack it head on. "smart" people thats almost as bad as being "not smart" we have to fight the problem we have to use patience and understanding, we have to relate and elevate (didnt just rhyme on purpose I swear) challenge false prophecies using knowledge and calm words.

If we continue with the status quo, if we just nod our heads and agree for the sake of not offending, don't point out the ironies and illogical unreasonable decisions and statements. then we are at a lose of humanity. we owe it to them as much as we owe it to ourselves. for what are we if not a reflection of our actions? we have to share the planet so if you share some understanding and knowledge that someone else doesn't. hoarding it and keeping it for yourself does everyone a disservice because we all think different, come from different backgrounds have different processes of evaluation and might offer some missing link, some puzzle piece I might have missed. This is call to action, for all the people who have had conversations with persons, and just wanted to shoot themselves. stop and respectfully challenge them to reevaluate, to change, and demonstrate. push it forward esk, not just 1 good thing as much good as time allows.

(ps there is more I wanted to say but laziness currently won the battle for my time, but have hope the war isnt over yet, so step 1 reevaluate )

Ahhhhhhh!!!!

Life Is going well, Im reading more then ever, I have successfully expanded my vocabulary, they got Osama, I have no complaints. I wanted to talk about social activities and the importance of them as well As how much I love this blog, even though I don't post a lot its only because I feel too many post invalidate the ones already post. I have been participating in many social activities recently, a spoken word poetry jam, a play rendition of Reservoir Dogs, and tomorrow I will be attending a choir. I love social interaction and Im just upset that more of my student body isn't coming out to these FREE activities at my school. Its frustrating because I want everyone to take away from the show a sense of togetherness. Semesters coming to an end and melancholy is a perfect definition of how im feeling. This was the first one where I bloomed. I met people, went to events interacted. Yes I learned but it was so much more then academic learning it was a worldly lesson. One full different walks of life being removed from the shadows and dancing, basking in the light. I met a figure skater who is the female equivalent of me, the underground rapper who shares the same name, the ditsy blonde who wants to do better but doesn't know how. its safe to say I met my fare share of misfits and frustrated youth.

WE are out there, be afraid america, be very afraid. I quote a lot of people and eminem shouldnt be underestimated due to his sometime comical, dark spin on things.

" And there's a million of us just like me

who cuss like me; who just don't give a fuck like me
who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me"

Yes we are out there with a slight twist, we care we really do "give a fuck", we are watching and acting and participating. Im still loveless, I still have those fleeting moments of solidarity, of loneness and when I attempt to reach out and connect with a significant other it just doesn't feel right. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror earlier and I was taken a back, I looked at myself and kinda asked myself whats the point of it all? I was not able to sufficiently answer the question, but I was able to placate myself by repeating "I'm just living for the moment. "

Double Edged sword

Two sides to every coin, story, life.

so these are my two sides. Im stuck in limbo not quite sure if im living in heaven or hell, and if thats a blessing or a curse. Alright for all intensive purposes im single mainly because I refuse to settle and get in a commited relationship with someone thats not on equal footing or that im not head over heels in love for. The other day it was pooring cats and dogs in nyc perfect condition to just sit at home with the wife and catch up on each other. Seeing as im in a single dude that wasent possible and I've done that before so Its safe to say I felt a little loss. in contrary I also get to go out on dates, hit on women, have one night stands and not have to worry about anyone cheating on me or unslept nights worrying about someone else. I know ultimatly I want that in life but at 23? it would seem like an easy choice right? but its not Im so not artificial, superficial, shallow I generally have an interest in women, their plight there feelings, If I say so myself I have grown into quite the gentleman, respect honor and honsety being some of my more desierable traits, but also my downfall women in my generation dont really appreciate these traits. It's the only way my mother, grandmother two older sisters taught me how to be its all I know. so I will keep trying till my princess charming comes along.