I think its so terrible that I only find the courage to right* after a wrong night. Something about sinning all night leaves me needing to repent. Now lets not get it twisted, When I say sinning I make sure I only hurt myself. Its 11:41 and I wake up to a case of beers, I have good friends. Thanks Jay last night for saving the day, You hopped in the phonebooth and flew to the rescue.
I've had a few thoughts recently that I wanted to discuss, a few things that are plaguing me. I believe God exist and therefor I believe there is a reason for it all. I know its stupid to attempt to understand that reason, still I attempt. I use the little logic and understanding I have and try to relate it to something beyond my comprehension, doomed form the start (kinda like my relations with women). What have I gathered you ask? A pleather of ideas and thoughts, everything is random, but we are all somehow connected. That things are meant to happen, but yet your actions can change fate. Now I'm pretty sure your like wait Bean how can to profoundly different ideas coexist and thats when you fall prey to the same issues I had, attempting to use our mundane logic and attribute it to something beyond our comprehension. I bet the answer is so easy if one day the Almighty decides to share we will have one of those stupid Simpsons moments were we are just like DOH!
I'm loosing you, I can tell little by little, Im not exciting you the way I once did. Its okay I told you from the start I push people away. I dont know how to sustain a good thing. Like all humans I find flaws and I pick and pick and pick at them till they bleed. we are coming close to the point of no return, and a small part of me is like FULL SPEED AHEAD, but the larger part of me is like throw the thrusters in reverse. Recently survived a hurricane in New York, go figure. Irene, was her name and she did some damage, nothing New Yorkers who are born tough as nails cant handle. I have come to see the inequality in this city that I love so much. The streets who keep so many secrets, the delis that fuel nicotine addicts, and give false hope in the form of lotto tickets. I would hold out hope,that I might rekindle the spark, not watch you walk away, cause I dont think I can survive at this stage of life without you.
