The Merchant Of Queens.

This semester I have a few breaks. Today during one of these alloted useless time zones I found myself wandering the library at school. During my aimless wandering I came across a Shakespeare Classic, The Merchant of Venice. I continued to pick up the book and noticed its not just any Shakespearean masterpiece but thee Shakespearean masterpiece as if god himself wanted me to read this. The book in a very serendipitous manner has been written all over with clues and hints to the hidden meaning that William blessed us with. It has taken me a while to go through the book literally 30 minutes for like 10 pages I meticulously go through page, paragraph, line, word with care and using all my mental prowess to devour and comprehend, and I still fell short. William Shakespeare was a master writer his literary prowess is unmatched. I found myself just within the first 10 pages enticed amazed and enamored all at the same time. Not wanting to Remove my eyes from the parchment,but of course all's well that ends well, and time for class came up (of course I found the book during my second break and not first one when I would have had twice as long to enjoy.). English class none the less guess I was prepping my mind for the hoops my english professor made me jump. My school I.D. strip or code or something messed up so I couldn't rent the book I can only hope that tomorrow its still in the same hiding spot I left it. On a more negative note Im feeling melancholy, pensive I hate to say depressed because then I would convince myself to take a zoloft or perkaset. just a general aura of sadness about me and it seems to resonate with me I cant get rid of it no matter how I confuse myself to beliving something good is happening in my life. I needed that book with me on the train today. I just sat there for an hour each way could have been devoted to deciphering Shakespeare's mind or Sudoku.

missed opportunities

Hello my faithful followers, I decided to stop advertising about my blog. I like my writing I don't do it for anyone else, so I can care less if other people read it. Its like a hidden gem something one day when someone smart hopefully is surfing the web they come across and are like wow this made my day, Currently listening to Pandora Red Hot Chili Peppers Radio (it makes life easier). School is starting up for me and Im kind of somber about it I really want to do well and I know the only way thats gonna happen is if I apply myself 10000%, Im looking forward to the challenge. I've learned to live without you it wasn't easy but you removed the stimuli and Im still able to function even at somewhat of a high level you will be missed though nothing like our summer conversations (and if you are reading this your conditioning worked) . I have been "fronting" on friends recently not on purpose just laziness and bad timing decisions, and I missed a few epic events. to those who felt the absence of my presence you have my sincere apologies. As well as a promise that I will attempt to make better decisions.

Yes please!

I had a momentary lapse in judgement, but now im back in full control.

Try spreading some love today hug someone kiss them tell them you love them and that they make days better. I try to look at the glass half full because seeing it half empty just makes me thirsty. "The more I see the less I know the more I like to let it go heeeyyy ohh." - snow chad smith, Red Hot Chili Peppers.

spare some change.

I Have made some poor life decisions. I miss you. I miss everything about you. I miss that person that I used to be. We learn and we grow and we change. We compromise, on everything for the sake of some better good some divine providence. We rarely take a stand, you want italian she want's chinese. You want to pursue a career in music your parents don't think it's a notable career path. You want to move to Africa and help starving children your scared of aids. We think its small things and we make a little change and a little change and a little change and then one day we wake up brush our teeth look in the mirror and we don't know who we are anymore.

Im learning and Im growing but a large part of me wants to hold on to my innocence wants me to be that kid that didn't know anything about the cruel world and looked forward to going to the park from sun up to sun down. When having 5 bucks in my pocket felt like I had the world on a string. when you looked at your phone and its ringing and its that person that makes everything better and you was gonna give it 5 more minutes before you called them but by some work of god they called you first. I want to go back to simpler days when we said what we meant and we where insecure with due cause. before we had heartbreaks when we didnt have to watch what we ate, and never had to work out cause thats all we did was run and jump and roll and dream about how much easier life is gonna be when we were older. I cant take back how I've hurt you but I can make the pain seem inconsequential to the happiness and joy and learning and growing I can bring into your life.

I Generally don't Add P.S. but after I wrote this Pandora decided to bless me with the Goo Goo Dolls and I had to share. " When you asked me what I want this year I tried to make this kind and clear Just a chance that maybe we'd find better days" - Better Days.

The Many faces of Bean.

love.

Right hand to God.

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me god.

It's 5:30 in the morning I haven't had a wink of sleep and I felt it. It would seem that I do my best writing at this time this "twilight" hour if you will. something about the day being reborn the sun shining its brights rays on our side of the hemisphere some elusion of second chances that we get 1 more day to set things right, to set the record straight, Some allure to grandeur that gets my literary juices flowing. the "it" in question would be that numbing pain that lets me still know I can feel something That glimpse I had of what could have been and how I fucked it up. I have learned a few things from greater men then myself Alfred Lord Tennyson said "Tis better to have love and lost then never love at all" Deep down in my center, my core I hold that to be true but on the outside I deny it with every fiber of reason. Its an endless debate on one side of the scale you have the argument that we would not appreciate the day without the night we would not understand what it means to be happy if we never felt pain. On the other side of the scale we have the debate that its all useless. All the sleepless nights spent frustrated and angry all the wasted emotions all the pain and grief and suffering all the remorse would be insurmountable to the emptiness we would feel our entire life's if we never knew love. I say Nay, I tip the scale in the favor of never loving. I am a smoker I don't actually smoke cigarettes anymore but I know for the rest of my life that craving will be there that need In my viens to inhale the smoke. I rue the day that I picked up a cigarette because I know what it is like to live without it.

Just like I rue the day I fell nay Leaped in love because now I know what it is like to live without it. Just on the surface though.

Back to the morning, the renewal if you will. Im a restless creature not so much that I don't sleep but Im wanting to get out to escape. I take a look at my wants and habits and it would seem I want most what I cant have. I seriously have to take a look at my past and see where this originated when did I decide it would be better to per-sue what is out of my reach what has no interest in me instead of settling. It would seem that to be an endless cycle and no one ending up with anything. If we all chase what doesn't want us we end up with nothing. A few times I Have sat on my porch in NYC and watched the sunrise and just enjoyed it. The people walking by must have thought something was up (N.Y. isnt a very trusting city with due cause though) Its been a few days since I posted something to busy fighting my demons I was finally allowed a moments reprieve and decided it was time to air my dirty laundry let the neighbors see whos living next to them allow you another small glimpse into the intricacies that is ANDRE.