I had the most honest moment that I can recall this last weekend. I sat on the floor in the basement of my sisters house playing with wrestling figures with my nephew. It was pure and honest and lovely. We just played, he had one wrestler and I had one and we just took turns pinning each other and coming up with contrasting reasons why we were the winners of that bout. I needed him way more than he needed me, his innocence rubbed off and gave me hope of better, simpler days. I have to be honest there is this thing on my mind weighing me down, bear with me if you will. I recently went to my first and probably last Griffstock, and I made a complete and utter fool of myself. Why do you ask? a dazzling array of reasons, Arrogance, Esoteric beliefs. Ignorance, Foolishness, and lastly but greatest falt of all Nervousness. The need to impress outweighed out maneuvered out flanked and out battled the need for discretion, humbleness and timid interaction. I was wrong, I pointed out flaws people were not ready to acknowledge and I suffer because of my indiscretions. I suffer the loss of another lover, partner, connection in a world were so few relate. I constantly sniff out the few that do and then sabotage and push them so far away because its scary and I dont want to be rejected. Again knowing the problem doesn't set you on the correct course just hurts more knowing what you are doing and that you cant help it. All I can do is acknowledge and apologize, and thank my nephew who thought I was doing him a favor by playing with him... If only he knew he was saving
me.
