lost time.

Just hurting right now, masking the pain with liquor, and preoccupying my time with frivolous activities. My family has hurt me, someone I grew up with and was very close with has completely changed stripes. It's crazy cause I expected it from everyone but you. I havent written in a while, a lot that I wanted to say but I'll keep it to myself, from just not remembering or not caring enough to write about it. This semester has been flying by and I have learned very little. I got this amazing opportunity that Im squandering away. I teach an 8th grade class for this non profit organization called generation citizen, and its crazy cause when people ask about it I make it seem like its something its not. I tell a white lie by saying it was obscenely hard to get the internship and they where very selective when the truth was they took anybody. I shouldn't have to make anyone think that im special cause I choice to do this. but I do, its weird this should be its own reward not the false admiration that people give due to my misleading them. This has its own merits and if people cant recognize that oh well. my need to impress people outweighs my conscious and it sucks. I blame my father, my whole life I just wanted him to be proud of me, and it has rubbed off on other people. I love that I have this as an outlet to say the things that I cant speak. Downloaded the drake albume and its everything I expected and more amazing. been to a few protest, #occupy everything. I wonder when I became so socially awkward or have I always been this way and Im just noticing it? it may not seem that I am to the outside spectator but I am. I never know what to say, I blame the internet it stunted my social growth with social networking and online communication. It didnt allow me to develop essential social skills. oh well hopefully I'll get better.

sorry.

I promise one will be coming really soon.

Please stay.

I think its so terrible that I only find the courage to right* after a wrong night. Something about sinning all night leaves me needing to repent. Now lets not get it twisted, When I say sinning I make sure I only hurt myself. Its 11:41 and I wake up to a case of beers, I have good friends. Thanks Jay last night for saving the day, You hopped in the phonebooth and flew to the rescue.

I've had a few thoughts recently that I wanted to discuss, a few things that are plaguing me. I believe God exist and therefor I believe there is a reason for it all. I know its stupid to attempt to understand that reason, still I attempt. I use the little logic and understanding I have and try to relate it to something beyond my comprehension, doomed form the start (kinda like my relations with women). What have I gathered you ask? A pleather of ideas and thoughts, everything is random, but we are all somehow connected. That things are meant to happen, but yet your actions can change fate. Now I'm pretty sure your like wait Bean how can to profoundly different ideas coexist and thats when you fall prey to the same issues I had, attempting to use our mundane logic and attribute it to something beyond our comprehension. I bet the answer is so easy if one day the Almighty decides to share we will have one of those stupid Simpsons moments were we are just like DOH!

I'm loosing you, I can tell little by little, Im not exciting you the way I once did. Its okay I told you from the start I push people away. I dont know how to sustain a good thing. Like all humans I find flaws and I pick and pick and pick at them till they bleed. we are coming close to the point of no return, and a small part of me is like FULL SPEED AHEAD, but the larger part of me is like throw the thrusters in reverse. Recently survived a hurricane in New York, go figure. Irene, was her name and she did some damage, nothing New Yorkers who are born tough as nails cant handle. I have come to see the inequality in this city that I love so much. The streets who keep so many secrets, the delis that fuel nicotine addicts, and give false hope in the form of lotto tickets. I would hold out hope,that I might rekindle the spark, not watch you walk away, cause I dont think I can survive at this stage of life without you.

2 post in as many days....

I told myself I wouldn't post, then again I told myself I wouldn't do a lot of the things I have done in my life. Go figure, I might not be good enough for you. Listening to some good hip hop currently playing day-dreaming by Lupe Fiasco. Man is that not a perfect description of what we all do, day dream. We live in these fantasy worlds and run from reality for as long as we can, or was that just me. I have this terrible habit of assuming you the reader follows the same doomed path I do. Merchant of Venice, I promise this is the last reference I make to that literary master piece, Yes I know english majors technically its a play and shouldn't be referenced as literature, bite me. "I hold the world but as the world, (insert other member of conversation here); A stage where every man must play a role, and mine a sad one" I have repeated that line several times in the last few days. Am I secretly wanting it to be true or is it true. IS this the matrix or is the matrix the matrix, etc... I hate when directors do that it feels so cheap, I even hate when authors do that, like Dr Jekel and Mr Hyde, Frankenstein, Flight club (yes it was a novel first) all a terrible idea, we get it living is paradoxical don't poke front of us with it. Now that the banter is done we can get to the entree, what I wanted to say is I am upset, frustrated, lonely, and tired. that is all......

wouldn't you have felt unfulfilled if i left it at that, kinda sorta like a sexual encounter with me, (I make front of myself in hopes that any ladies out there might just wanna find out for themselves, ) is it just me or is life passing by way to fast, when you have tons of free time it goes way to fast. Parenting needs to improve, without a doubt. Parents need to enroll their children in latin school, and teach them the violin, the piano, the cello, stop settling for mediocrity and sitting them in-front of a television with Spungebob.

for the record that was a rant, and a darn good one.

2 years later.

I have come to value things, the current woman in my life, I have to tip my hat to you. Thank you, you have given me something to look forward too. Bender, Is what I have been on 3 days straight of drinking, smoking (cigarette's), sitting around talking about past lovers, assing out on my friends couch surrounded by people all hiding from life, all in our early twenties trying to figure this stage of our life out. to many drugs, to many insecurities. You have been my shining light, my north star guiding me, saving me from myself. I am two years older since my heart shattered, and my world was turned upside down. sitting here on the couch holding a woman who has been abused her whole life, and I just wish I could have been there every time to be her guiding light. not wanting to be just another nigga that wants to fuck. I know it sounds like a rant but I'm saying alot and I wont accept that. I'm saying I care for humanity, I've been hurt, I've recovered and grown and have become a better man. Maturity comes with a price, you loose your innocence, you loose your imagination. Values, Morality, Honesty, Trustworthyness(this is not a real word), Security, Culture, Wit, and an occasional crazy week. That's what I bring to the table.

All I ever had, Me.

Jesus 66 post, have I said anything worthwhile I hope so. your loss, and not even In a cocky not really meaning it kinda way. In a heartfelt honest way. You are missing out on me. That's a powerful word, me. It encompasses all that I am. All that you are missing. Random thoughts, insightful moments, witty British humor, deep eyes. I get it, the situation isn't right, your not interested. Damn Bob Marley Redemption song playing in the background and I feel the words of my ancestors streaming through me. The sacrifice they made to give me the opportunity to chase skirts in bars, to squabble away my days. Some strange things happening in this world, and even stranger things happening in my head. It all comes down to something some brass tax, some uncrossable line, whether it's with religion or morals or logic, some point of no return. Post 67 and yes its been a while. I work, gearing up for another semister. further learning who I am and what I have to offer, It may not be much, but its honest. I have come to value honesty, come to understand the importance of admitting to your flaws and misgivings. See the worth of learning to take responsibility for your actions. All lies come to light eventually. Been on a poetry high lately, and If you have not read Robert Frost The Road Less Traveled I suggest you do. another lonely light, Another lit cig, Another Cracked Brew, Another low moment in my life I cant wait to past through.

Im just saying you could do better.

The women that I would try, Is happy with a good guy. but I been drinking so much Imma call her anyway and say fuck that nigga that you love so bad. I know you still think about the times we had. I know I do DRIZZZY!

Happy birthday to you.

(two birds, one stone)
It's your birthday and I wish I could wish you well, Wish I could buy you something. Alas the Universe has seen fit to put us on different paths hopefully it will also make this one better for you, getting old right, where did the time go? you have made it impossible for me to connect with other people. I dont blame you I blame me. I like to say sorry, you never can apologize to much. That's what my new job has taught me. Its become like second nature to me. I will put this out there in the same universe that took us apart and hope it shows it to you. Im also attaching a small birthday cake and some tulips.

adderall

Emotion will be the death of me. I cant do it anymore, It's so hard being young, I don't imagine any stage of life is easy but this one seems especially hard. *Correction being young with a conscious is difficult. I'm trying devilishly hard to balance a social life, family life, a productive future, expectations I have for myself and that my family have for me, build meaningful relationships, not to mention these outrages lonely nights. I need sex end of story its been way to long. and not just regular sex, meaningful sex. Where we can laugh with each other afterwords. I'm sick of the fronting. the delicate balance of being someones friend and not getting what I want. I find depravity a lacking companion. My sole adjudicator are novels they give me a moral guideline to living. drunk nights roaming new york are getting old. they are loosing their lackluster all that glitter isn't gold. you truly get what you pay for. It takes all the will power I have to not reach out. I have went on a spree of telling the truth and it hurts. hope is in of itself an evil thing. It allows you to sustain unbearable conditions for expectations of relief of compensation for past wrongs. You tell yourself It's okay, good karma will find you repay you for the countless tears your shoulder has been there for. It will reward you with a shoulder that will walk side by side with yours, and if you have an untimely demise karma your karma will transfer to another deserving soul. hey what else do I have, Accept that life inst grand, that no matter how hard you try, Pandora's box is just filled with to many evils?

Smoking, Duh Loosing.

I do. I need you, Your the nicotine of my life. Just like with quitting you relapse and you miss that feeling of inhaling that first pull. That satisfaction when you fulfill your bodies wants. You know that empty feeling when you haven't smoked for a few hours, and everything seems grey. Well you are the Cigarette for my heart. My heart needs you. Its sending my body all types of signals telling me its missing something, the balance is off. Everything is grey. A man knows with a certain clairvoyance beyond a reasonable doubt what his duty is. What he should do and why. Greater men then I, have attempted for millennia to decipher and decrypt Love. To identify why it drives us mad, to manipulate it, to use it for unjust causes. For just causes. Women have used it for safety, and it would seem, some nobler causes throughout history then us with excess testosterone. For us smokers when someone who has never smoked before ask's what is it like? Am I the only one that has immense difficulty describing the sense of urgency that leaves your body, the euphoric couple of seconds after the smoke hits your lungs. Well Love is kinda sorta like that, we think we know what it means not only does it change for each person its impossible to describe. To quote a Justice of the court, " I know it when I see it" seems prudent. I cant tell you what its like to be loved, but I can tell you what its like not to be.

12804 hours and still counting.

Smile with your Heart

The world will notice. It will see, and smile with you. Hello my loyal fans all 3 of you. Its been a week so its safe to say I have gotten myself into some adventures and met some characters. On the bumpy, wide, worn down road of the world I've traveled only 22 and my feet HURT. I have shared some laughs and some hurts some misgivings and misunderstandings and its show me the follies of my ways. You still have to smile with your heart. Embrace your culture and the culture of the world. I came across this theory of interconnectedness, that we are all connected that the smallest movement of the smallest thing affects magnitudes of the world. An Its not that hard to believe. I have come into myself. Defined who I want to be (shout outs to college for that). It was not easy It took a lot of trial and error, So if any pics of me in all black and eyeliner surface I apologize ahead of time. It boggles the mind to think of all the butterflies and small insignificant things that made me who I am, All the missed trains that allowed me to meet all the wonderful people I currently know. the couple of extra times I hit snooze on my blackberry when it was telling me it was GO time. The wonderful sun is out in N.Y.C., Its warmth is engulfing, and inspiring forcing us city critters to flee our habitats in search of food, companionship and growth.
Realistically Speaking I said a whole lot of nothing and nothing on a whole lot. but the words flow out of me like a conduit, of the human condition. I am the spokesperson for the few that get it, and realize how hard it was to grasp. the little things make me happy, and the big things I don't trust. I have had my difficulties and so will you, but you will bounce back. Summer is on the horizon, one day at a time it's creeping and unlike previous summers I'll know im enjoying myself.

slow down.

Our Generation the Millenniums, we are a connected generation, phone constantly in our hands, ipods in our ears, updating facebook or twitter. So connected we have become disconnected. So busy with whats online we don't see whats in front of us. We are producing a Generation of socially awkward individuals who know only how to communicate to people through the medium of social networking sites. What ever happened to parks and parties? Have you been to a party lately when you get there everyone is on their phone talking, calling everyone else asking where they at or complaining about this party or formulating plans to do after the party. stop and take a look around its disheartening the only reason I notice it is because I am on the cusp of Generation X and The Millenniums, I'm stuck in both worlds I find myself doing what I hate and I literally shake my head in disappointment. Where did this need to be constantly plugged in come from? why must we be so available all the time, would the world cease to exist if we didnt respond to a text, IM, Tweet, status update, picture comment, email?

I feel naked when I leave my phone at home I literally cut my day short, without my blackberry. Since I hate when people point out the problems without providing a solution I will further examine it and maybe propose something. Our phones/ Ipods have become an extension of ourselves they define and protect us. are you an Iphone person or a blackberry or a droid? they shield us, from unwanted social interaction but shouldn't shield us from all interaction, that is what they are slowly doing. I propose a national no phone day. 1 day a year where everyone either turns off their phone or leave it at home. The counter argument is what about emergencies, people with children? My counter-argument cellphones didn't always exist somehow people manage whole lives without them. I have been cutting my post short for the simple fact that I know people become discouraged when they see a wall of text, and would prefer they read something rather then nothing at all. Semester is almost over 2 large papers and one panthlet is due, grind time, To all my lovers, haters, no opinions, " Its like the world is in my hands now Im feeling so rebellious. "

Smart Persons.

If You notice I said persons. "Smart" is not a universal trait its not even a common trait. first and foremost this is a rant, a pathetic attempt to, A. get people to first reevaluate, second change, and third demonstrate. as impossible as this task may be I understand something that a lot of us "smart" people don't, we just cast off the "not smart" people and don't attempt to fix the problem don't get me wrong fellow "smart" people I am just as frustrated I have had those moments where you just want to take someones head and slam them into a wall, where they offend you because of their insecurities, where they counterattack rather then self-evaluate, where constructive critiscm is myth. You would rather let misinformation and ignorance run rampid then attack it head on. "smart" people thats almost as bad as being "not smart" we have to fight the problem we have to use patience and understanding, we have to relate and elevate (didnt just rhyme on purpose I swear) challenge false prophecies using knowledge and calm words.

If we continue with the status quo, if we just nod our heads and agree for the sake of not offending, don't point out the ironies and illogical unreasonable decisions and statements. then we are at a lose of humanity. we owe it to them as much as we owe it to ourselves. for what are we if not a reflection of our actions? we have to share the planet so if you share some understanding and knowledge that someone else doesn't. hoarding it and keeping it for yourself does everyone a disservice because we all think different, come from different backgrounds have different processes of evaluation and might offer some missing link, some puzzle piece I might have missed. This is call to action, for all the people who have had conversations with persons, and just wanted to shoot themselves. stop and respectfully challenge them to reevaluate, to change, and demonstrate. push it forward esk, not just 1 good thing as much good as time allows.

(ps there is more I wanted to say but laziness currently won the battle for my time, but have hope the war isnt over yet, so step 1 reevaluate )

Ahhhhhhh!!!!

Life Is going well, Im reading more then ever, I have successfully expanded my vocabulary, they got Osama, I have no complaints. I wanted to talk about social activities and the importance of them as well As how much I love this blog, even though I don't post a lot its only because I feel too many post invalidate the ones already post. I have been participating in many social activities recently, a spoken word poetry jam, a play rendition of Reservoir Dogs, and tomorrow I will be attending a choir. I love social interaction and Im just upset that more of my student body isn't coming out to these FREE activities at my school. Its frustrating because I want everyone to take away from the show a sense of togetherness. Semesters coming to an end and melancholy is a perfect definition of how im feeling. This was the first one where I bloomed. I met people, went to events interacted. Yes I learned but it was so much more then academic learning it was a worldly lesson. One full different walks of life being removed from the shadows and dancing, basking in the light. I met a figure skater who is the female equivalent of me, the underground rapper who shares the same name, the ditsy blonde who wants to do better but doesn't know how. its safe to say I met my fare share of misfits and frustrated youth.

WE are out there, be afraid america, be very afraid. I quote a lot of people and eminem shouldnt be underestimated due to his sometime comical, dark spin on things.

" And there's a million of us just like me

who cuss like me; who just don't give a fuck like me
who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me"

Yes we are out there with a slight twist, we care we really do "give a fuck", we are watching and acting and participating. Im still loveless, I still have those fleeting moments of solidarity, of loneness and when I attempt to reach out and connect with a significant other it just doesn't feel right. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror earlier and I was taken a back, I looked at myself and kinda asked myself whats the point of it all? I was not able to sufficiently answer the question, but I was able to placate myself by repeating "I'm just living for the moment. "

Double Edged sword

Two sides to every coin, story, life.

so these are my two sides. Im stuck in limbo not quite sure if im living in heaven or hell, and if thats a blessing or a curse. Alright for all intensive purposes im single mainly because I refuse to settle and get in a commited relationship with someone thats not on equal footing or that im not head over heels in love for. The other day it was pooring cats and dogs in nyc perfect condition to just sit at home with the wife and catch up on each other. Seeing as im in a single dude that wasent possible and I've done that before so Its safe to say I felt a little loss. in contrary I also get to go out on dates, hit on women, have one night stands and not have to worry about anyone cheating on me or unslept nights worrying about someone else. I know ultimatly I want that in life but at 23? it would seem like an easy choice right? but its not Im so not artificial, superficial, shallow I generally have an interest in women, their plight there feelings, If I say so myself I have grown into quite the gentleman, respect honor and honsety being some of my more desierable traits, but also my downfall women in my generation dont really appreciate these traits. It's the only way my mother, grandmother two older sisters taught me how to be its all I know. so I will keep trying till my princess charming comes along.

Tradition

I'm back currently using this as a muse to finish a paper on humanity and frankenstein, ohh how the words betray me when they need to be assessed. So school is rapping up FTW!, Im sorry I was scared of you, Afraid to write, insecure that I might not still have it. So I did what I do best Stayed away, put foot to pavement and never looked back. Currently being promiscuous with restricitions offcourse, no fat chicks, girls who watch jersey shore or are just generally insecure.

lupe fiascos lasers came out and I have to admit I have'nt purchased it yet but I have all the intent to. I know I owe you a better explination for the uncalled leave of absence, And truth is I just kept finding reasons not to write not to express myself, I secretly wanna blame the weather rough winter as it was just made me generally not wanna do anything. I recently got drunk first time in forever, felt good to be intoxicated, overran with emotions and feeling, so sick of just being numb, I dont want this to be a rant about feelings god I have enough of that in frankenstein. i will make better attempts to stay in contact. food for thought, " A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure".

New Year.

Happy 2011, Its been a while but I have been doing what I do best Just blending in, I will strike out and make a mark and "succeed" but for now I'm content just being numb.